Curiosity is a bit of a super power. This idea applies to what’s happening inside us as well. Let’s say I notice I’m angry. I can get curious and start asking: How do I even know I’m angry? What clues is my body giving me? Why do I think this is anger, and not something else? What exactly does anger feel like in my body right now? And then there’s the question of meaning—what story am I telling myself about this situation? What else could it mean? These questions invite a pause, a little room to explore, instead of just running with my first reaction.
A few months and then the days are longer than the nights. Yesterday I was out for a walk and in the beautiful sunshine I heard the song of the Great tits. Also there was few Blackbirds but not singing.
I've been collecting sentences for years, they are a great source of comfort, inspiration, and humor.
Here is a quote from my collection from Gregory Rabassa, a renowned translator of Latin American fiction, most notably the works of Gabriel Garcia Marquez: "Every act of communication is an act of translation."
I find a commonality there with the "get curious, not furious" idea.
And I offer the following as a candidate for the Stuart Smalley Morning Routine list:
Me no cry because cookie is finished. Me smile because cookie happened.
“Curiosity” is my theme of the year and parenting is one of the specific applications I have for it. It’s cool to see someone else thinking the same thing!
I used to be a fan of deep canvassing but I'm not any longer. I think conflating it with curiosity is a mistake. It's not really curiosity when your bedrock, underlying intention is to win the other person over to your side.
Hello AJ,It;s me again,Mr.Derlin G.Clair.Your approach jsut sounds much nicer,and more productive than some other people,especially Republican Politicians.Some of the Republicans in Congress & the Senate are proposing not to give any FEMA aid to the poor souls in California who are suffering from the terrible fires,because according to them,that state is"Too Leftist,too Liberal,and too Democrat!"So in othe words,according to their very petty reasoning,those people probably deserved what they got!Sorry,but I feel like those Republicans are just basically playing God,deciding who's really deserves Help ,or who doesn't deserve Help.My God,it should be just that those poor people are fellow human Beings,and Americans who really Need some honest to God true Help rignt NOW!Not whether they're so-called"Leftists,Liberals,or Democrats",or any other very petty Categorization or Grouping.These politicians aren't really showing what great Patriots they are at alll,but instead showing just how much they;re truly petty & can practice Dsicrimination!so your apprroach,"Less Furiosity,More Curioisity"is much nicer,and more compassionate & kinder,I must comment you,my dear friend.Well,best wishes,Shalom,and God bless you & keep you & your dear family well & safe. Mr.Derlin G.Clair;derlinclair@yahoo.com PS.I was living in the New Orleans Area back in 2005 when Hurrican Katrina hit.We had to evacualte to Monroe in N Louisiana for a while.Afterwards,someso-called"Moralists",including probably some petty Politicians were saying the people of New Orleans deserved Katrina becaue"There was a lot of Immorality & Homosexuality there in New Orleans!".It made really angry tohear such petty,& truly Needless Moralizing & Discrimination against the people of New Orleans,AJ.The people saying that didn;t reallu show how moral,or God-Loving they truly were,but instead just showed how truly petty,and Hateful they could be towards their fellow human beings,who were laos children of God just like themAnyway,I now live NE of New Orleans in a town called Slidell.about 33 miles out of New Orleans.Well,best wishes,and God bless you.
I so agree! I really don't like it when people who say God is punishing X or Y group. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people.
I totally agree with you,my dear friend,AJ.You have really Good Sense & Good Judgement,my friend.Two htings which seem to be sadly loacking in a lot of Politicians in Washington DC,most especially among the Republicans with their so-callled"Family Values",and "Culture Wars".Well,best wishes fro you,and your dear fmaily,and God bless you,and also kindly bless America as well,and kindly grant even if it takes a Miracle that Decency & Respect & Kindness will still Prevail here in America in spite of very petty Trump & his very petty & very Hateful Agenda,my dear friend.
Love the phrase “ Curious not furious”. I’m trying that more and more in my life. I keep reading that when you ask people “why?” It puts them on the defensive and you should never ask it. I think my therapist told me that too. You’re suppose to be more creative with the questioning. Like if your kid does something bad ask them “ What was going thru your mind when you did that?” Instead of “Why did you do that?” I don’t know if I agree. I ask why all the time. Do you have any thoughts on this?
Why is a very accusing question. You are basically saying "you did something wrong". AJ's answers are good, as is the approach of NVC (Non violent communication)
curious not furious-- absolutely agree and especially helpful with certain events happening this week. i also feel like this may be the way i can retain relationships with my family-- i can't let my anger destroy relationships with people i love. this sounds very much like the 3 step advice i heard from a group called A Long Talk that guides one to have difficult discussions with people you disagree with-- CPR: clarify, probing, recognizing. Happy to share some info if you're interested
A big FAT YES, to all of this. Love your morning list of reminders. At the risk of betraying conceit, I recognize all of them and various combinations of them have been guides through various crises. A 65 year-old single parent of a 16 year old, who has managed to maintain his sanity (which is entirely reasonable to doubt is true) means that i've learned a thing or two. Though some of these things have been rather recent. "Ponder Sonder," is lovely, and i can still remember the thrill of discovering Koenig's lexical creations some time ago. And I also love "be curious, not furious," a phrase i will certainly use (thank-you) and this being one of my most recent epiphanies (with an assist from Ted Lasso) as i reflect on a life of activism and community organizing. Also, recently, i have been reflecting on the brahmaviharas - four buddhist virtues that overlap a lot of what you share: loving-kindness, compassion, muditha, and equanimity. Each continues to be a challenge for me and i love your list as a tool for daily practice - i want to make a poster now and mount it beside Corita Kent's "Immaculate Heart College Art Department Rules." (Muditha, incidentally, lacks an adequate english translation; it is the sharing of joy the way that compassion is the sharing of sorrow. And perhaps is the greatest challenge I still face in life.)
"...light a candle...." immediately reminded me of Maccabees - ok, I'm Catholic but those books and teachings are in our bible.
Curiosity is great until it isn't. It's a team sport and some people are just not good at those.
Thank AJ…great as always.
Curiosity is a bit of a super power. This idea applies to what’s happening inside us as well. Let’s say I notice I’m angry. I can get curious and start asking: How do I even know I’m angry? What clues is my body giving me? Why do I think this is anger, and not something else? What exactly does anger feel like in my body right now? And then there’s the question of meaning—what story am I telling myself about this situation? What else could it mean? These questions invite a pause, a little room to explore, instead of just running with my first reaction.
A few months and then the days are longer than the nights. Yesterday I was out for a walk and in the beautiful sunshine I heard the song of the Great tits. Also there was few Blackbirds but not singing.
Love that you notice that, I often just hear it as backgorund noise, I have to remind myself to focus !
I've been collecting sentences for years, they are a great source of comfort, inspiration, and humor.
Here is a quote from my collection from Gregory Rabassa, a renowned translator of Latin American fiction, most notably the works of Gabriel Garcia Marquez: "Every act of communication is an act of translation."
I find a commonality there with the "get curious, not furious" idea.
And I offer the following as a candidate for the Stuart Smalley Morning Routine list:
Me no cry because cookie is finished. Me smile because cookie happened.
- Cookie Monster.
That is a great one Merrilee!
Cookie Monster is a great philosopher! Thank you
“Curiosity” is my theme of the year and parenting is one of the specific applications I have for it. It’s cool to see someone else thinking the same thing!
Love that! Thanks Matt
I used to be a fan of deep canvassing but I'm not any longer. I think conflating it with curiosity is a mistake. It's not really curiosity when your bedrock, underlying intention is to win the other person over to your side.
Interesting! Thanks Geoffrey. I'm going to have to think about that one.
Hello AJ,It;s me again,Mr.Derlin G.Clair.Your approach jsut sounds much nicer,and more productive than some other people,especially Republican Politicians.Some of the Republicans in Congress & the Senate are proposing not to give any FEMA aid to the poor souls in California who are suffering from the terrible fires,because according to them,that state is"Too Leftist,too Liberal,and too Democrat!"So in othe words,according to their very petty reasoning,those people probably deserved what they got!Sorry,but I feel like those Republicans are just basically playing God,deciding who's really deserves Help ,or who doesn't deserve Help.My God,it should be just that those poor people are fellow human Beings,and Americans who really Need some honest to God true Help rignt NOW!Not whether they're so-called"Leftists,Liberals,or Democrats",or any other very petty Categorization or Grouping.These politicians aren't really showing what great Patriots they are at alll,but instead showing just how much they;re truly petty & can practice Dsicrimination!so your apprroach,"Less Furiosity,More Curioisity"is much nicer,and more compassionate & kinder,I must comment you,my dear friend.Well,best wishes,Shalom,and God bless you & keep you & your dear family well & safe. Mr.Derlin G.Clair;derlinclair@yahoo.com PS.I was living in the New Orleans Area back in 2005 when Hurrican Katrina hit.We had to evacualte to Monroe in N Louisiana for a while.Afterwards,someso-called"Moralists",including probably some petty Politicians were saying the people of New Orleans deserved Katrina becaue"There was a lot of Immorality & Homosexuality there in New Orleans!".It made really angry tohear such petty,& truly Needless Moralizing & Discrimination against the people of New Orleans,AJ.The people saying that didn;t reallu show how moral,or God-Loving they truly were,but instead just showed how truly petty,and Hateful they could be towards their fellow human beings,who were laos children of God just like themAnyway,I now live NE of New Orleans in a town called Slidell.about 33 miles out of New Orleans.Well,best wishes,and God bless you.
I so agree! I really don't like it when people who say God is punishing X or Y group. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people.
I totally agree with you,my dear friend,AJ.You have really Good Sense & Good Judgement,my friend.Two htings which seem to be sadly loacking in a lot of Politicians in Washington DC,most especially among the Republicans with their so-callled"Family Values",and "Culture Wars".Well,best wishes fro you,and your dear fmaily,and God bless you,and also kindly bless America as well,and kindly grant even if it takes a Miracle that Decency & Respect & Kindness will still Prevail here in America in spite of very petty Trump & his very petty & very Hateful Agenda,my dear friend.
“Curious, not furious.” I like it.
I believe Gandhi said, “If you are right you can afford to keep your temper and if you’re wrong you can’t afford to lose it.” I always liked that.
Love that, thanks Dave
Love the phrase “ Curious not furious”. I’m trying that more and more in my life. I keep reading that when you ask people “why?” It puts them on the defensive and you should never ask it. I think my therapist told me that too. You’re suppose to be more creative with the questioning. Like if your kid does something bad ask them “ What was going thru your mind when you did that?” Instead of “Why did you do that?” I don’t know if I agree. I ask why all the time. Do you have any thoughts on this?
Why is a very accusing question. You are basically saying "you did something wrong". AJ's answers are good, as is the approach of NVC (Non violent communication)
Great question. Maybe say "Tell me more" instead of "why", or "How did you come to that realization?" I'm going to think about it.
curious not furious-- absolutely agree and especially helpful with certain events happening this week. i also feel like this may be the way i can retain relationships with my family-- i can't let my anger destroy relationships with people i love. this sounds very much like the 3 step advice i heard from a group called A Long Talk that guides one to have difficult discussions with people you disagree with-- CPR: clarify, probing, recognizing. Happy to share some info if you're interested
Intersting! Thanks Monica. I'm going to Google A Long Talk. That does sound similar and relevant!
This was the best one yet. I wish I had read this back when I was a teenager (50 years ago -yikes!). Thanks!!!
Thanks Marsha! I wish I could talk to my younger self! He was an idiot. (I'm still an idiot but I hope less so)
A big FAT YES, to all of this. Love your morning list of reminders. At the risk of betraying conceit, I recognize all of them and various combinations of them have been guides through various crises. A 65 year-old single parent of a 16 year old, who has managed to maintain his sanity (which is entirely reasonable to doubt is true) means that i've learned a thing or two. Though some of these things have been rather recent. "Ponder Sonder," is lovely, and i can still remember the thrill of discovering Koenig's lexical creations some time ago. And I also love "be curious, not furious," a phrase i will certainly use (thank-you) and this being one of my most recent epiphanies (with an assist from Ted Lasso) as i reflect on a life of activism and community organizing. Also, recently, i have been reflecting on the brahmaviharas - four buddhist virtues that overlap a lot of what you share: loving-kindness, compassion, muditha, and equanimity. Each continues to be a challenge for me and i love your list as a tool for daily practice - i want to make a poster now and mount it beside Corita Kent's "Immaculate Heart College Art Department Rules." (Muditha, incidentally, lacks an adequate english translation; it is the sharing of joy the way that compassion is the sharing of sorrow. And perhaps is the greatest challenge I still face in life.)
This is great, thank you Chris! I need to read more about Buddhism, this is good inspiration.
Can’t tell you how delighted I am to have found you on Substack!
Delighted you found me!
Such words of wisdom. And helping to make the world a better place .love your other books by the way.
Thanks so much Jeff!